I’m not ok!

The last few days I’ve been battling away, I’m scared to go outside, scared to stay inside, sick to my core. I’m tired of being alone and scared to be around others. When people are around me I instinctively act as if I’m ok, but on Friday I went shopping and it was too busy, so busy in fact that I hurt my hands by gripping onto the shopping cart.

The entire time I was trying to do controlled breathing but also having a panic attack, it has put me off going outside, and maybe I just need some extra time to recover. My vision was extremely blurry, I felt like I was about to have a heart attack or just pass out cold, I would sneak around the supermarket trying to avoid everyone but there was nowhere to hide.

Ever since then I’ve been putting myself down for not being stable enough to be around people with supervision, I’m scared that I’ll really hurt myself and now I’m seeing that danger everywhere. I just want to lie down and forget about everything, but I don’t even have the motivation to do that.

All this work to get better, the tablets, the therapy, and right now it feels like I’m back in square one. Maybe the years of abuse and neglect has affected my personality. Maybe the road to recovery is actually a giant roundabout, right now it just feels like I have no answers and very sore hands.

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