Anxious Thoughts

As some of you may know I have suffered from Anxiety for a long time, longer than I can possibly remember, it’s haunted me for too long, and its voice is always with me. Today I feel rather too physically sick to go to therapy, so I thought I’d write the anxious thoughts that I am trying to fight against, as a way to show what goes on inside my head, beware it may get pretty graphic.

You’re a fucking idiot!

You think she’ll believe that you’re really sick?

You can’t do anything right can you?

Can’t go out, can’t stay home, can’t do fucking anything.

You really do cause yourself more problems.

Are you really sick?

Are you just fucking faking it?

How many times are you going to rearrange cause ur sick?

You can’t even get healthy right.

Nobody will help you.

Nobody loves you, you’re just a drain on everyone around you.

You think writing this will help?

It’ll just show everyone what a fucking loser you are.

You can’t even talk to anyone.

Can’t go for a shower, can’t do anything, do you want to repel everyone?

Why can’t you just be normal?

You don’t have any friends.

No one thinks about you.

Everyone leaves you eventually.

You’re too hard to love.

Why can’t you just be ok already?

You’re broken.

You sap the happiness out of everyone.

Why can’t you just get over it?

You deserve everything that happened to you.

You just let them hurt you.

Why couldn’t you do the right thing?

Why didn’t you leave him?

You’re a loser that’s why.

Why are you always broke?

Maybe if you stopped spending money on things that make you feel better.

You feel too much, it’s not normal.

She won’t rearrange ur appointment.

She won’t help you.

She won’t even diagnosis you after almost a year.

What are you looking for?

Do you think there is a magical pill that can solve all you’re troubles?

Pills don’t fucking work!

If they did work you wouldn’t need therapy.

That’s not working either.

Why can’t you just be normal?

You’re a disgrace.

Nobody can stand being around you.

You’re quicksand.

No one will believe you.

You can’t even do what every other woman in the world can do.

I think it’s best to stop there, reading this has been pretty emotion, I never quite understood just how hard I am on myself, and it makes me sad. My therapist is always telling me this, that I need to ease up on myself but I just can’t. I blame myself for every bad conversation, every bad thing that ever happened to me.

I think my mother has shaped my anxiety, she would constantly belittle me, and that voice has stayed with me even though I’m not around her anymore. Anxiety has taken over the form of my first fear, my mother, although she would never swear because she’s a good Catholic.

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