Yesterday I felt pretty good, I was worried about the suicidal feelings I had during my bought of depression, but I felt extremely euphoric. Mostly in part because my partner who has been working away a lot lately will be back home 80% of the time now, and mostly because I’d stopped feeling so empty.
When I woke up today I instantly started some heavy cleaning, not just in one room but the whole house, next thing I know I’m covered in sweat and severely dehydrated so I decided to take a shower. Now the bathroom is not a good place for me, and it rivals darkness when it comes to my panic attacks and flashbacks, but I’m so determined today that I’m positive I can do it.
I start my usual pre-shower ritual of waves and calming breathes, “I can do it,” I repeatedly tell myself as I turn on the shower, “think of the beach!” I wash my hair first as I’ve always done, I’m doing pretty well keeping my thoughts at my own private beach inside my mind, then I go to get the shower gel.
“I forgot the shower gel, you stupid bitch, you should have brought it up earlier, I mean how lazy can you be?” Anxiety enters and I try to remember the beach, the calm, and my freedom. “How are you meant to have a shower without shower gel you idiot, I’ve told you a million times, you stupid fucking idiot.”
Then I’m that little girl, in front of my mum being accused of making a mess, and I have to sit and listen as she berates me. When she hits me I’m then back in the shower and that voice starts over again. “Look at the state of you, look at your hair, you’re a bloody mess, why would I ever want you.”
Then I’m back in his flat (was never referred to as ours) cowering in the corner as he starts throwing things around me, I have to watch as he takes the songs I used to write and rips them up like they mean nothing. All the pain and heartache gone in mere seconds as I watch them float into the dust. With a punch, I’m back in the bathroom.
The voice starts again, “You flirt with me all the time, don’t deny it, you’re a little slut aren’t you?” I’m back in that bed being raped by a man I considered to be a friend, I watch my face as I lie there frozen staring into space as he rapes me. It feels like time stands still as I can’t help, I can’t comfort, all I can do is watch.
Anxiety triggers my flashbacks, then I suffer panic attacks, for me, it’s a chain reaction, and for the rest of the day, I will continue to shake from the adrenaline. When I was depressed I was praying for anxiety to feel something, and now I’m like this I’m tempted to pray for depression, but I’m not going to do that.
I was wrong to do that in the first place, I should not have felt that way, instead of praying for an easy fix I should pray that I can get better. Focus on the little victories I have every day, be it sharing my feelings, going outside, or forcing myself to do some self-care because I think I don’t deserve it.
To the little victories – today I managed to go for a shower, and tidy up the house.