My Backstory of Friendship

I feel like it is important to share my story along the way, this time; instead of focusing on what contributed to my mental health, I’d like to focus on the topic of Friendship. These relationships really do affect our mental health in multiple ways, and I feel that it is important to highlight this issue for people who may not understand just how important it can be.

I thought I was lucky when I was younger as I had a huge group of friends, but I was never allowed out the house very much, and I had to live with the prospect of missing out on everything. When I got to a certain age where I could sneak out, lie about my whereabouts, or generally not care about pleasing my mother it all started to derail.

I think its also important to explain that before all this happened a friend of mine, whom I knew since I was twelve slept with my first serious boyfriend, I had strong feelings for him but looking back on it he was a total dufus, and I walked in on them kissing each other the morning after. After that, I started to question everything about my life, who could I trust?

My best friend, I stood by her through her own questionable life choices, I was always there when things got tough, and I would always stick up for her through anything. She was my life, my ride or die bitch, and just stopped talking to me one day for no reason. I have seen her since we shared an uncomfortable hug, and the person who was my entire life was out of it before I could say abusive ex.

My other best friend, this time it was completely of my own making, I had been out at a sports event on the day of her engagement party with another friend. My parents locked me out of the house, so I couldn’t get ready until after 7, which made me late, and the insistence of my other friend to go and get her money from her brother made me even later. Cue a phone call from her and the exact moment I was about to leave the pub (where my other friend’s brother was), and an avalanche of abuse was thrown at me. I totally understood why she was angry, many people were late to her party, and I would have been there in two minutes but I get stubborn. This stubbornness totally ruined this relationship and my close friend was gone.

Next came a really close friend, we saw each other on a daily basis for the longest time, we always spoke, and we were totally inseparable. I thought my life was finally back on track, but then out of nowhere she made up a rumour about me, to this day I have no idea what it was but the entire friend group believed her. After years of wondering, over obsessing about what could make thirty people stop speaking to me, I finally understood why she did it. She was hiding something pretty big from her boyfriend, I was angry at her for hiding it for so long and putting me in that position, so instead of trusting me she took me out and took away my credibility.

For a long time, I didn’t see another friend, I had gone to that dark place where I couldn’t go outside without a chaperone, and I spent my life without any friends in my life. I was on Lithium as the doctor thought I was bipolar, my true diagnosis was PTSD, Anxiety, and Depression but the Lithium made me scared of everyone, and I didn’t trust anyone around me.

My last friend who made a rumour about me had split from her boyfriend, some people in the friend group started to see what she was, and I received a lot of apologises. Eventually, when I was ready I started going out, getting my life back on track, and I made some new friends along with some old ones and everything was looking up.

That was until the new girlfriend of Rumour Friends old boyfriend started hating the man who kept me alive during my dark periods. This made me extremely protective, as much as I will not stick up for myself, if anyone has a problem with anyone I love I get fiercely protective. I imploded this friendship because my new friend hated my other half. In my opinion, they clashed because they were the same person, and again I let go of an entire friend group and close friends.

When I had my miscarriage all the work I’d done to get healthy before went out the window, I was stuck in the house again, and I had no friends to speak to. My family don’t talk about anything, my partner was my rock, but I needed a friend to reach out too. I tried to start conversations with old friends on Facebook, I would reach out but would hear nothing, or I would stop a conversation dead by listening to my anxiety or being over obsessive.

Eventually, I started to speak to my therapist about these issues, and she suggested me try again to reach out to one of the people on this list. I was scared, but I did it, it took over a week for her to get back to me as it was an old account but she did it. We spoke a lot for the first few weeks but she’s a busy person and has a life so the messages started getting fewer. Now its been a week since she has spoken to me, but with a sick baby, I’m trying to look at the positive.

But I obsess and obsess over my last message, I had an infection when I sent it and it’s complete anxious gibberish. I can’t stop looking at it knowing I’ve killed the conversation dead, and I’m completely trying not to fall further down the hole than I already am. Maybe I’m just obsessing but my gut tells me I have a long way to go before I can have a normal friendship.

2 thoughts on “My Backstory of Friendship

  1. Maybe there IS no “normal” friendship.
    After all these years of getting close and then distancing I realized that I had actual friends. These faceless words we called “online friends”. They turned out to be real people, and when I count the years they have stood with me and comforted me and laughed with me they number into the decades now! I can’t hug my friends (never really could with the near ones, either though) and we can’t go out for a cup of coffee, but I care them and they care about me, and I’m really blessed to have them…even with states and oceans in between us.

    Liked by 1 person

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