I wish I could ignore you,
Like a piece of gum stuck to my shoe,
But you are everywhere all the time,
You grow and you feed off my exhausted mind.
Telling me everything that is wrong,
Drowning on about a tale so long,
Embarrassing me in every situation,
As you remind me of that time I fell at the station.Read More »
The holidays come with a huge weight of grief for me, but it wasn’t always this way, I used to love this time of year so much. From the first of December, I would be singing carols to myself, smiling at all the Christmas cheer, and taking part in every holiday-related activity I could think of.
The past three years have been different, too different for my liking, I complain about the season now more than ever. Before it was never about the presents but about the company of loved ones, now it is something I am trying to ignore as much as possible. The stress of it sends my mental health into a tailspin and before I know it I can’t leave the house
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You were meant to watch over me,
The only one that could hear or see,
Leaving at the first chance you got,
Taking the bait and leaving me to rot.
Mother took her pain out on me,
Until you came back for a spot of tea,
You would disappear for months at a time,
Laughing and joking as you drank your wine.
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The past few days I have been taking time for myself, staying away from social media, and generally starting on my decorations. With taking time for myself comes an incredible guilt like no other, it’s the complete last thing that I want to do because the whole process of looking after yourself is completely new to me.
It may have been stamped into me through childhood, the single daughter in a Catholic family who was obliged to care for her disabled parents. I was always putting everyone else’s needs first, I could be in the middle of doing something which I would stop immediately and go to help someone else with whatever it was they needed.
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Yesterday I went to visit a local Christmas Market which is held inside a museum, as it has been a very rainy few days here I thought it was a good idea to go and for the past few years, I’ve been way too sick to do anything like this. It is very pretty and has old shop fronts, it was an incredibly festive experience.
I forced myself to do it this year and put it on my personal bucket list, I knew it would be hard but I had absolutely no idea that it would have taken everything out of me. It was beautiful and festive but trying to take my mind off things didn’t work because of there where children everywhere I went.
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Today marks the start of a very hard month for me, December is all about family, to the point that I see it everywhere. Friends and Family with there children go out and celebrate, and I just feel like the unlucky hag who ruins the fun for everyone else. The spurned who doesn’t yet have the privilege of having her own children, and brings everyone down with my grief.
As I write this I burst into tears as I think of what I could have had, but I don’t have it, and I might not ever have it. If it can’t happen for me what adoption company is going to give a baby to a mother with mental health problems? December already has me questioning everything, so you know it’s going to be a hard month.Read More »
For weeks I have been trying to write this post, I only manage to just get through it and then I delete everything in its entirety. I didn’t understand why it would be so hard to speak about, I speak about a lot of topics that would be considered harder to talk about, but then I realised it was because I was ashamed of backsliding.
I have been doing so well recently, taking the steps to tackle my traumas, and I just didn’t want to admit that I had let myself down. I was going back to old habits, not taking care of myself as I usually would, and becoming withdrawn. I became scared to comment on any other blogs or anyone going through a hard time on Twitter because I’d forgotten how to help people having a bad day.Read More »